Reid and I lay together every night for his bedtime routine. We watch a quick TigerKick video, read 1-3 books and then as he's falling asleep he will often ask me to tell him stories. I ask him what he wants to hear about and then go from there. The other night, he asked for stories of when he was in my belly, and of this baby in my belly and started asking about when Ruthie Lou was in my belly. He is very matter of fact that she died, so matter of fact that when we see pictures or videos of other people's babies he will often ask when or did that baby die. I realize that that is not normal, but in his world his baby died. It breaks my heart.
I know when Reid is really tired because he will tell me that he misses his old house and he misses his baby Ruthie. He will cry and ask me questions and I answer them as honestly as I know how, but some questions there are no answers in this life. I wish I could tell him, I wish I knew.
On this particular night, I think that it was finally beginning to become reality to him that he was not the first baby in my belly and that Ruthie Lou is not just his baby that we have in pictures on our wall, videos that we can watch or stories in our heart, that she was a real baby just like he was and just like this sweet one that we are waiting for is. He loves this new baby so much and he loves Ruthie and he often cries for the sister he never met.
When I was telling him about Ruthie, he asked me, "Why didn't you get to keep your baby?" and I answered him honestly like I always do, I said, "I don't know." because I don't pretend to know. This answer was not sufficient to him and louder he asked, "Why didn't you get to keep your baby?" and then finally with alligator tears streaming down his face and on to his pillow he yelled at me, "Why didn't you get to keep your baby?!"
"I don't know, son. I am so sorry."
I don't know, nor will I ever know why Ruthie Lou's journey was much shorter than ours and why I didn't get to keep my baby.
I can only be honest with Reid and say, "I miss her, too."
I am a mama of three beautiful babes; two boys I have the honor of raising and my daughter who lived for 33 sacred days.