The Ruthie Lou Foundation
  • Home
    • Ruthie Lou's Legacy
  • Boxes
    • Comfort Boxes
  • Support RLF
    • Events
    • Create
  • Resources
    • Websites
    • Books
    • Movies
    • Articles
  • About Ruthie Lou
    • Ruthie Lou Blog
  • About the Founder
    • Books by the Founder

We Wanted Her.

1/1/2014

Comments

 

I have never felt such joy as to watch my son grow. I felt this same joy the moment my daughter was born but it was coupled with such fear, worry and anxiety that it was never allowed to just "be". But now, with Reid, it just "is". He just "is". He is wonderful, curious, contagious, joyful, energetic, mischievous, entertaining, loving, funny, playful, innocent and amazing. He is everything I wanted. He is my everything.

I have never felt such joy coupled with such longing grief. I hate that it can't be pure joy for life but that the grief is forever present. I wanted all these things for Ruthie Lou, too. I wanted her. In whatever capacity that meant, healthy, sick, able, disabled, special, special needs, I didn't care. We didn't care. We prayed for something she could live with, anything, we didn't even know what we were asking for but just something that would allow us to bring her home. We have watched, over the years and admired my brothers parenting and relationship grow with his son, my nephew. We LOVE my nephew. We prayed that we could have that, too. Language, no language, walking, wheelchair, fertile, infertile. We made plans to adopt our next child when there was a moments thought that the worst case scenario was RL's reproductive organs were incapable of reproducing. We were going to show her that your child is your child is your child, it doesn't matter if you birth them or not, you always LOVE your child. We wanted her. We will always want her. She is our child. She is perfect. Period.

I have never felt such joy. I have also never suffered so much pain. I wish I could say the pain has lessened or time made softer, but it hasn't. I have learned to live with the loss of my greatest love while mothering her brother, my greatest love. My heart has never been so full yet so empty.

Comments

    Author

    I am a mama of three beautiful babes; two boys I have the honor of raising and my daughter who lived for 33 sacred days.

    Archives

    September 2016
    August 2016
    July 2016
    June 2016
    May 2016
    April 2016
    March 2016
    February 2016
    January 2016
    November 2015
    October 2015
    September 2015
    August 2015
    May 2015
    April 2015
    March 2015
    January 2015
    December 2014
    November 2014
    October 2014
    September 2014
    August 2014
    July 2014
    June 2014
    May 2014
    April 2014
    March 2014
    January 2014
    October 2013

    Categories

    All
    Baby Loss
    Birthday
    Community
    Family
    Grief
    Hope
    Joy
    Life
    Love
    Pregnancy After Loss

    RSS Feed

The Ruthie Lou Foundation is a 501(c)3 non-profit corporation 
EIN 46-5312498
Privacy Policy
  • Home
    • Ruthie Lou's Legacy
  • Boxes
    • Comfort Boxes
  • Support RLF
    • Events
    • Create
  • Resources
    • Websites
    • Books
    • Movies
    • Articles
  • About Ruthie Lou
    • Ruthie Lou Blog
  • About the Founder
    • Books by the Founder