The days are so full now, days that I never thought would come. In the midst of heavy grief I wondered how would I rejoin the world? How could I live in a place that felt so much sadness and so much despair? I didn't have to wait too long to find out, the answers came quickly as I felt the love of my daughter all around me in the things that went unseen before. Flowers were brighter, critters louder and the wind kissed my cheek so gently. I welcomed every piece of nature as signs from her. Were they? I will never know and that isn't really the point, they gave me comfort in my loneliness time and that was a gift in itself.
Now, after three (+) years my life has regained speed. Work fills my schedule, students, parents, colleagues occupy my weekdays while my nights and weekends are filled with the greatest love that I am honored to hold in my arms, my sweet fiery boy. The house never rests and the thunder of Reid's footsteps fill my heart more than I ever imagined could fill again, the light of his eyes swell my heart full. I have rejoined the word again. It happened so subtly I almost couldn't tell you when this happened but I am so glad it has.
But as I sit here, in the pain of a fractured nose (thank you, Reid) and in the quiet of my house, memories trickle back to my heart. Sadness, the longing, the missing of what could have been, has filled my thoughts today. I read my old writing, love letters and poems to Ruthie Lou and ramblings of a broken heart and it still amazes me, I have survived. My family has survived. The death of our daughter didn't break me and it didn't break us. It has not been easy, nor would I have chosen this path but the gifts that Ruthie Lou left in her shadow fill my heart every single day.
I miss her. I am comfortable in the knowing that I will always miss her. I am grateful for her. I am grateful for the changes that came in my life because of her. And I am proud of her. Her name sings a song to my heart that can only be matched when I am called "Reid's mama" and those are two sounds that I will never tire of hearing.
So, in my moments of physical pain, and in sadness, missing, longing and loving I remind myself that I am a survivor. The human heart is capable of far more that we give credit and while I would trade it all to have her back, in the loss of my daughter, I found myself.
I am a mama of three beautiful babes; two boys I have the honor of raising and my daughter who lived for 33 sacred days.